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Old 11-20-2011, 18:06   #1
Heyga4Huk
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jokes

For if you like to read jokes
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Old 11-20-2011, 18:07   #2
Wayne Brady :(
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Yes, I like to read jokes.
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Old 11-20-2011, 18:07   #3
Heyga4Huk
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A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal "What would you like?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club"
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Old 11-20-2011, 18:15   #4
Heyga4Huk
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Beer user manual:

Q: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, front of shirt is wet
A: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Q: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, glass unusually clear
A: Glass is empty.

Q: Feet cold and wet
A: Glass held at incorrect angle.

Q: The opposite wall is covered in tiles and has a fluorescent strip across
A: You have fallen over backwards

Q: You wake up on a wet, cold and hard bed
A: You spent the night in the gutter
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Old 11-20-2011, 18:17   #5
Heyga4Huk
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Three scary things that you can observe the morning after getting drunk:
1. the mirror
2. the wallet
3. the outgoing calls

oh wait that's not a joke >>
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Old 11-20-2011, 18:23   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heyga4Huk View Post
Three scary things that you can observe the morning after getting drunk:
1. the mirror
2. the wallet
3. the outgoing calls

oh wait that's not a joke >>
The outgoing calls are the worst.
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Old 11-20-2011, 18:31   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WTFizzle View Post
The outgoing calls are the worst.
yes lol x.x
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Old 11-21-2011, 15:00   #8
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so this guy from Iceland was having a bit of a holiday in NZ and he was roadtripping round some of the south island. country roads and all that jazz.

his car broke down... now, this guy didnt know much about cars, he was having trouble finding out wtf was wrong with his car? hes thinking 'dam, im stuck here in the middle of no where'

then a Kiwi farmer comes along, sees the broken down car and stops to see if he can help.

kiwi - "need any help bro?"
Iceland guy - "yea my car has broken down!"
kiwi - "lets see what the problem is them mate"

so the Kiwi guy starts to check out the engine. he cant see the problem... so he checks under the car and stuff, and then he looks at the tyres.

kiwi - "OH! bro I know what the problem is! You blew a seal!"
iceland guy - "SO WHAT? YOU **** SHEEP!"
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Old 11-21-2011, 15:54   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IluminatI View Post
so this guy from Iceland was having a bit of a holiday in NZ and he was roadtripping round some of the south island. country roads and all that jazz.

his car broke down... now, this guy didnt know much about cars, he was having trouble finding out wtf was wrong with his car? hes thinking 'dam, im stuck here in the middle of no where'

then a Kiwi farmer comes along, sees the broken down car and stops to see if he can help.

kiwi - "need any help bro?"
Iceland guy - "yea my car has broken down!"
kiwi - "lets see what the problem is them mate"

so the Kiwi guy starts to check out the engine. he cant see the problem... so he checks under the car and stuff, and then he looks at the tyres.

kiwi - "OH! bro I know what the problem is! You blew a seal!"
iceland guy - "SO WHAT? YOU **** SHEEP!"
lmao!

edit I deleted the "jokes" of our forum.
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Last edited by bahana; 11-21-2011 at 17:14.
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Old 11-23-2011, 10:07   #10
Heyga4Huk
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A farmer bought a new rooster. The rooster comes flashy and macho and proudly walks around the yard. The old rooster welcomes him:
"Welcome, this is the kingdom, it has 100 hens. I offer you half of the hens for you, half for me. You are young, but I've been here for a long time, and I am the lord here."
The young rooster replied:
"A half of the hens? Screw you!"
The other agrees:
"Okay okay, you are younger, you're strong.. leave 10 to me. All others are yours"
"Go **** yourself old guy, you're good for nothing!"
The old rooster made a final appeal:
"Okay, there is one hen, kind of handicapped.. at least leave her to me..."
"Git outta her, no hens for you!"
The old rooster got angry.
"Look you youngling, you're underestimating me. I'm not so old and weak. See the scrap yard? Give me 2 yards headstart and if you overtake me - all hens are yours.
The old rooster starts running, and the young one chases after him.
Baaaaang - gunshot.
The farmer comes yelling:
"Dammit, this is the fifth rooster and it's also homosexual!"
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This is Bulgaria.

Last edited by Heyga4Huk; 11-23-2011 at 10:21.
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Old 11-23-2011, 10:20   #11
Heyga4Huk
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One day, a man wakes up and looks at his neighbor's - there's a huge tennis court in the yard, and the neighbor's playing with Agassi.

The guy rubs his eyes in disbelief, goes to the neighbor and asks him:
"Does stuff like that happen? I mean what's with the court, and the tennis..."

"OH yeah, let me tell you - you know the stream that's here nearby - yesterday I went fishing and I caught the Golden Fish. She told me: "I'm old and I can't fulfill 3 wishes for you, but I can do one wish."

Our guy got really excited, took his pole and bait, and went fishing at the stream. He waited all day before, what do you know, he gets the Golden Fish. The same one. And she tells him:

"I'm too old to do 3 wishes, but I can make one wish for you come true."

He agreed:

"I want tomorrow when I wake up, all my yard to be in gold"

"Okay," said the fish and dove back into the stream.

The guy can't sleep, rolls in bed waiting for dawn all night. Then he opens his eyes and - wtf - his lawn is all rotten, horribly covered in mold.

The guy goes to the neighbor:

"Hey what the hell just happened??! I wanted the whole yard to be in gold, and instead it's in damned mold!"

"Uh dude, I forgot to tell you the Golden Fish can't hear that well. What, did you think I wanted a huge tennis??"
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This is Bulgaria.
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Old 11-23-2011, 10:28   #12
Heyga4Huk
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The bus comes and reaches the bus stop. It gets full with people. Suddenly the bus goes, faster and faster. The people notice some guy running after it like crazy. They start laughing. One of the passengers peers out of the window and shouts:
"Dude!! Don't run so fast, we're gonna piss ourselves laughing.."
"Now you're also gonna **** yourselves! I'm the driver!!"
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This is Bulgaria.

Last edited by Heyga4Huk; 11-23-2011 at 10:34.
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Old 11-23-2011, 10:34   #13
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A mother calls a taxi to drive her kid to school.
"Mister, please, he loves to talk, please don't pay any attention to him, whatever he says!"
The cab goes, and the kid starts...
"If mommy was a dog and daddy was a dog, I would be a doggy. If mommy was a cat and daddy was a cat I would be a kitty.. If mommy was a cow... " and so on. At some point the driver got fed up with it.
"What if your mother was lesbo and your father was gai, what would you be?"
"A taxi driver.."
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Old 11-23-2011, 15:21   #14
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Women's Rights.
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@Yessume
You don't really need to become a girl/female if you wanted to look good you know...?

The pic above is disturbing... and whatever in it is slightly disturbing..
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Old 11-23-2011, 22:15   #15
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Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over.. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You Shoulda bought a hat.'
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