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Old 07-03-2009, 10:00   #31
*Sonne*
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Originally Posted by eeyore View Post
I actually enlisted the help of a few friends and they cut the wings off. Hurt like a mother actually but they're gone. Saws all running through flesh and bone is a bit painful but meh, was worth it. How many other people do you know who went and got a set of Mounted Angel wings? Taxidermist charged an arm n a leg too so I'm havin a tough time getting around these days but hey, I still have my sense of humor

awww... i'm not laughing, that made me cry.
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:38   #32
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Got funny story, LONG, but totally worth it...

Electric Fence!


We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigabit fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and ejaculate at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas..
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:58   #33
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Originally Posted by *Sonne* View Post
Got funny story, LONG, but totally worth it...

Electric Fence!

just ROFL Sonne
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oh Loosh, I love stroking your...keyboard. It feels so great
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:12   #34
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just ROFL Sonne

i kno rite?
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:15   #35
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Omg... i'm crying over here laughing <3
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i now your are not an ass ****er, your are the queer reciver aka bich in your relationship, couse your joke is so *** owned?

not offence to homosex ppl here, acctaly if i was homo i tink i woud like more to get pennis in my back ratter then put my in other ppl to be hounest, but am no homo but for i say if i was ok
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:51   #36
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Omg... i'm crying over here laughing <3
I'm still wondering why he needed so much juice? If a cow walks into that fence, it's gonna BBQ the cow for him xD
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oh Loosh, I love stroking your...keyboard. It feels so great
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:54   #37
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I'm still wondering why he needed so much juice? If a cow walks into that fence, it's gonna BBQ the cow for him xD
c'mon eeyore, it's a guy thing. imma a girl and i understand it.
don't you want all the HP you can get?
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:59   #38
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c'mon eeyore, it's a guy thing. imma a girl and i understand it.
don't you want all the HP you can get?
if the car gets me and the people I need to move from A to B without breaking down...I'm happy. HP is a useless number to me.
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oh Loosh, I love stroking your...keyboard. It feels so great
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:05   #39
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if the car gets me and the people I need to move from A to B without breaking down...I'm happy. HP is a useless number to me.
that just proves you're not a typical guy.
i knew that already.
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:59   #40
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that just proves you're not a typical guy.
i knew that already.
but on the other hand. Wattage from the stereo...

I don't care if your drivin a $100 Ford Pinto. They better hear you for blocks! At least 5 if you skimped that bad on the car.
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oh Loosh, I love stroking your...keyboard. It feels so great
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Old 07-08-2009, 14:02   #41
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Got funny story, LONG, but totally worth it...

Electric Fence!
OMFG I havent laughed this much I actually ****in started to cry cause of laughing thankies that made my freakin day!
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Old 07-08-2009, 14:55   #42
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OMFG I havent laughed this much I actually ****in started to cry cause of laughing thankies that made my freakin day!
YAY! I made you laugh!!!
YW, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I got a female one that's just as hilarious around here somewhere...

OOOHHH, i found it!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from
work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple
hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I
mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them
apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically
rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but
I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works.....
.....................You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and
soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer
and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass.
(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across
my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal
no longer eludes me!
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming
one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom
for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and
place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the
wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right
half of my ****** and stretching up into the inside of the right ass
cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to
pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK,
coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered
pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold
medallist.
But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where
could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my
foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be
on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the
ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun
living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big
mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the
toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down
on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
******? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to potty anytime
soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water!
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in -
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I
get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So
now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's
never good to start a conversation with "So my nether regions are stuck
to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress
laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking
cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the
giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where
the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at
XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd
just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them
the truth.
"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies
than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and
THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the
lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start
screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations
from C and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the
hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was
numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my
medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying...
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Last edited by *Sonne*; 07-08-2009 at 15:33.
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Old 07-08-2009, 15:26   #43
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no more milk kk
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Old 07-15-2009, 13:24   #44
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no more milk kk
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Old 07-15-2009, 15:43   #45
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*gives last glass of milk to sonne*

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