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Subject: Actual court recordings

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY Y: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Th e youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: ;No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Haha...some of those were hilarious.

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A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one
of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I th! ink I sh ould be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st
grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
3rd grade."

Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Har ry both agreed.

Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and
contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

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lol xD